Widowerhood: It's Been..Yeah...A Widowed Father Of 3...

  I was watching the Dr. J documentary tonight, GREAT DOCUMENTARY BY THE WAY, and he was speaking on his brother's death.... He got to the hospital just in time to hear him utter those words... I almost had to cut the TV off. I made it through the first showing of the documentary okay though 'cause I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT.  The second showing though..... As soon as he said it, I had to turn it off. (Luckily, I recorded it...) Now as a child, I had 'heard' about folks saying that. I even remember my Nan Momma standing up in church, telling her Pastor that it would be her last Sunday in church..... "I'm tired and I feel like the Lord is ready to take me to be with my husband...I'm ready. So I'd like to thank y'all and tell you that I love you.."- My Nan Mama to her congregation.  Those three words are something that I got used to 'hearing' over the last 14 years. At FIRST, I thought it was physical fatigue as the person uttering those w...

  Of course, by now, you know the backstory so I'm gonna jump right into it. "You know that you and the kids are gonna need to talk to someone..." - You "......." - Me Reason for the dots? I was there. I kinda know the situation was pretty fucked up seeing as though I am SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. *shrugs*  I mean it isn't as if we lost our dog. Or our goldfish. Or that our house burnt down. Not that those things wouldn't hurt...  We lost a mother. A wife. Life partner. Influential woman to young ladies who will become women. Road dawg. Sounding board. Etc..etc...etc...  So yeah, when I saw that one of my 'hers' needed some 'attention' above and beyond that which I could provide, I got her that 'help'. I mean she was already talking (as they all were) to someone at school but I saw some things that said she needed more. You see, BEFORE HER MOTHER DIED, my health issues kinda got to her. So she began to fear losing me LONG BEFO...

 Things are as they should be.  This was a safe space that was out in the open FOR A LONG TIME. In plain sight. With pictures but very few names. The last year has changed that a bit. Not that it wasn't headed that way in some fashion anyway but not like this.  It's time to make it all the way safe again..The next few posts will show that. I know that a man expressing himself is 'weak' so you guys will just have to deal with it. lmao Ole hypocritical 'Get therapy' ass mofos.. You don't get therapy if you don't have 'feelings' remember? Aight.. let me get to it..  Now that I've had to name and shame a person (and those in her cult..), there's an added pressure to chase that 'toxicity' for views that I had to quell. I can EASILY see how some of those dudes because a part of the 'manosphere'.  Expousing hateful views on women all over.  "Fighting the good fight in every corner.."  Encouraging men to not get on datin...

 Yeah....Just read it. Hopefully, if you are in need of confirmation of all of the feelings in this moment if you are going through this, this helps you. May not help you now but maybe some day. @ those reading this who are in this first stage of realization that their spouse/partner is gone.  Published on 12/2/12 9:01 AM This is all me btw. @ this 'poem'. I use the term loosely 'cause I personally wouldn't call it that but I know some who would so... What Do I Do Now?/Co-Piloting with a Jewel I mean there are some things I am GOING TO DO so you can take the title rhetorically in some sense. I'm going breath. I'm going to take care of my kids. About those types of things I'm not on the fence. At first, I was a little unsure of what to do with these 'feelings' I have though. This deadly mixture of love, sadness and betrayal. I mean I'm super sad one minute and full of fond memories the next. Pissed off a little too. Yeah, I'm running the same ...

  This one is pretty self explanatory. It was written on the 10 year anniversary of the day I became widowed.  I may 'revisit' these times but I think that it's TRULY best for the raw emotions that I was feeling in real time to be read.  To be seen. I try to write in the moment. Again, there will be messy parts that I may or may not touch on here on this particular blog. Parts that if you saw the original one, you can fill in on your own.  Published on 11/15/22 4:28 PM 11/15/2022 It's been 10 years man. It's a couple of days shy of it anyway but it's here.  Wow. Let's just say that off the bat. All the folks who are reading this who are a friend, family member, whatever to Melissa, allow me extend my thoughts and prayers to you during this time if it still hits you in a way. I get it. As you suspect.  I guess for some of you, you are expecting some SUPER GLOOM AND DOOM POST here. There may be a little bit of sorrow in this post but I think you might be surp...